i hate looking in the mirror

Okay here’s the thing: I just hate looking in the mirror, and here’s why.

I have been really bored lately, and I am sure a lot of you are feeling this way cause like #quarantinelife. But sometimes when I get really bored I will just sit in front of the mirror. It almost sounds narcissistic, but I sit in front of the mirror. It starts off good usually. I’ll point out my pretty eyes or my debatabley good butt. I’ll notice what I’m wearing, and that’s usually good because I like my clothes.

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I point out all the good until I run out… usually not taking very long… and then I spiral.

I notice my chubby legs. I notice my teeth and my overbite. I notice how much I slouch or how my legs almost look unproportionate to my body. I notice my tummy and my cellulite. I notice my unsymmetrical face.

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That’s not even the worst of it, though. The main reason I hate looking in the mirror is because it seems so false. I take pictures and they look nothing like how I look in my mirror. I see videos taken of me and it’s almost unrecognizable. I look so different.

Quite honestly, I really have no idea what I look like. The idea of myself is constantly changing in my mind. To myself, I look different everyday. I look different depending on whether I am happy or not, I look different depending on if I’m feeling confident, I look different depending on if I’m tan or not. I look different depending on what I do with my hair and makeup. It doesn’t make sense to me.

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I hate looking in the mirror because what I see changes so drastically every. single. day. (sometimes I’m pretty sometimes I’m not. How does that even work??)

I hate looking in the mirror because I don’t necessarily like what I see (but sometimes i do???).

I hate doing it, but it continues. I keep siting in front of it for minutes, or for hours.

I keep doing it because I want to understand exactly what I look like.

And this isn’t a new/rare occurrence. Let’s take in a couple years back to my 2018 Twitter.

She gets it. I’ve always struggled with self love because how I see myself constantly changes. It’s really hard for me to find a love for each part of me. Something I’ve tried working on for a while.

I’m starting to get it, though. I need to love every acne mark.

I need to love my little tummy.

i need to love my smile.

and my body.

I need to love myself.

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I’m getting there, and I encourage anyone who struggles with loving themselves to follow me on my journey towards finding everything about ourselves, and still loving it.

we can do this<3