scattered

“hey how are you?!”

i don’t really know 

i do the same thing everyday

school work homework 

school work homework 

school work homework 

i’m content

i’m not happy

i’m not sad 

i don’t know.

“i’m good! how are you?!”

my passion is no longer screaming at me

maybe that means i’m not okay

maybe it means i need a break

i’m content 

this isn’t the life i thought i would be living

and i feel like it should bother me more

i feel like i should be doing more

but maybe i expect too much

i’m content

i’m happy 

i’m sad 

i’m content 

i’m bored

“how are you?”

i’m bored 

i’m tired

i’m content 

i’m in between happy and sad

i’m content 

“i’m alright, how are you?”

there was once a handle on that door

i depended on it to slid the door open

but one day it broke 

and i got used to not having a handle

now, there’s a new handle there

and it feels weird to use it

i went so long without a handle

i no longer need it

“how are you?”

i’m content

at first i was annoyed that there was no handle

but now i’m okay with it not being there

it’s fixed now 

“i’m okay, what about you?”

and i forget to use it 

i’m content 

“how are you?”

do you really care? 

i’m worried one day i’ll break down

tell you what you don’t want to hear

i’m going to tell you i’m not okay

and what then?

awkward silence and “wanna talk about it”

no, i don’t

because i’m content 

i’m not sad

and honestly i can’t tell you

that i’m not okay

just because i’m not necessarily happy

because i’m not sad

i’m content

“i’m fine, you?”

i’m sorry i’m not listening to how you are

i’m stuck in my brain 

i’m banging on the trapped door 

but my ears can’t hear it

the banging or your words

only the endless thoughts on their racetrack through my head

i wish they would all crash into the wall

we don’t need a winner

“how are you”

“i’m getting by”

the words are traced with a small awkward chuckle 

but it’s not really a joke. 

i don’t know

i’m just content.