feel the rain

A lot of my posts on this blog start with mentioning that I was in a rut, feeling very down and defeated, prior to diving into the story and/or lesson. It goes to show how sometimes you need to be down to realize how good the up is. I also feel like this is just the honest truth about mental health and dealing with that on a daily basis, while also looking for ways to be better and enjoy life even through low mental health days/weeks/months.

So, as you can guess, I have lately felt like I’m in a rut. (lol). I moved away from all of my family and friends and found myself in Oregon, a place that I love, but am still very much a stranger of. I have fond memories of visiting Oregon, and those made the move this way easy to do, but of course, living in a place day to day is going to look and feel a lot different from a vacation. I felt homesick for, honestly, the first time in my life. I felt alone, isolated, and afraid to be honest about these feelings because I didn’t want to be ‘proven wrong’.

As my partner’s birthday started to creep up I felt really excited to be able to celebrate it in our own place for the first time. I thoroughly planned the day out, making him take work off for the day even though he rolled his eyes a little bit. (He is not as big of a fan of birthdays and celebrations, especially when it is focused on him).

The day rolled around and I decorated the apartment, made breakfast in bed, gave him too many presents, and then we headed out on the first surprise of the day.

We drove about 40 minutes to a hike that I heard really good things about. It’s a big loop that takes you along a creek and to 3 or 4 waterfalls. It was sprinkling, but we were not even surprised, since it is Oregon, and we started on the trail anyway.

Soon after we started we could hear the water already and we found ourselves at the first waterfall. The trail split and it gave us the opportunity to walk right up to the waterfall. We took pictures and stared in awe. My partner tried to walk across the rocks in the creek under the waterfall and fell into the water. We laughed and continued on the trail as he was dripping wet.

We crossed really cool bridges and saw more waterfalls until we were at the bottom of the loop and then we started back up the loop. As we walked up this hike it started absolutely down pouring on us. For a second, I felt myself get pretty annoyed with the fastly repeating drops of rain hitting my face.

I immediately stopped and wondered why I was getting annoyed. I looked toward the sky and felt the rain. I connected with the rain and with nature, feeling lucky to be there. Feeling lucky to have water falling from the sky. Feeling lucky to be healthy and able. Feeling lucky to have a partner who was also not annoyed at the rain and was enjoying every second of this muddy hike with me. Feeling lucky to have a memory of my dad singing, “Raindrops are falling on my head, that doesn’t mean my eyes will soon be turning red, no! Crying’s not for me! …” when I was young and would get annoyed at the rain. Feeling lucky that he showed me happiness, even in rough times.

We arrived at the last waterfall. This waterfall is called Majestic Falls. It was massive and beautiful, and definitely majestic. It took my breath away. It was still pouring rain, but since I had connected with it and let myself feel the rain, I got to enjoy the moment with peace and happiness.

These were feelings I was having a really hard time gaining in my day-to-day life. I constantly felt defeated and I felt like I was drowning. Feeling like this made it hard to enjoy and see the good in this new beginning I had entered. Instead, I was constantly focusing and pointing out the rain, instead of embracing it and realizing all the good that was coming from it.