how happy is it to be ambitious

After a morning of attempting to prompt myself into productivity, I had a thought.

Why do I contain myself?

I try to force myself into strict, full schedules to fill any second of my day because I fear a life that is unlived. The problem is that I end up not living up to the expectations of this unrealistic life I have built in my head and I beat myself up over it. I am so hard on myself for every ‘lazy’ second I live.

I contain myself to an expected life of constantly moving. It ends up doing the exact opposite. Even if I am constantly moving, it is for the fear of disappointing myself rather than for the excitement and joy it is to be alive.

As I had this thought, I figured I should write it in my journal, as I do with many of my thoughts. I opened my journal to a random page, trying not to forget the words I was more than prepared to reiterate into the pages, when I saw an entry from January of 2023.

At the very top of the page, I had written, “WHAT A FULL LIFE I WANT TO LIVE! HOW HAPPY IS IT TO BE AMBITIOUS!”

The excitement from these words, the way the joy basically jumps off the page, reminds me to be productive because life IS exciting. That doesn’t mean my constant need and toxic way of keeping myself productive is justified, it just means that I need to ground myself into a better version of a productive, excited-to-live person. And I need to do it for the right reasons.

So instead of writing out these long and unachievable to-do lists, I will let it come to me naturally. I will try and remind myself how to live because the opportunity to do so is extremely beautiful and exciting.