(no title)

anxiety

The definition of anxiety: “a feeling of worry, nervousness, unease, typically about an imminent event or something with an uncertain outcome.”

My definition of anxiety is something that holds me back from the day to day life. Something that takes so much of my energy. Something that lives in my soul even though I’ve tried to make it leave.

The interesting thing that comes along with the anxiety I’m forced to feel is that this intense feeling is somewhat recent. Along with many other things that I blame on the pandemic of 2020, I believe the increase in this intense feeling has been a big effect that has come from Ms. Rona. I feel so socially uncomfortable whenever I find myself quite frankly anywhere. I think that after being basically locked up from human relations for so long, it was bound to happen (pls tell me im not alone in this lol).

My mind has always been a black hole of many, many thoughts that I cannot seem to get rid of. This has always why I have been fond of writing; it has become my best way of releasing these thoughts. When I started to get more and more anxious feeling, my mind was not scared to overthink every. single. interaction. I remember talking to my friend about an interaction I had just had when they explained that I was totally overthinking the whole thing. She explained that there was simply nothing to be embarrassed about. She calmed my nerves, and I realized how often I find myself overthinking the most simple things.

I find myself writing this mainly because I spent about 30 minutes in a tire shops’ parking lot before I finally convinced myself to walk inside and tell them about the nail I had in my tire (the one that has been there for about a month because not one part of me could bring myself to drive to this shop and get it fixed). Not to mention, I had to face time 2 of my friends before they finally got me to get out of my car.

Sadly, this is more of a common occurrence than it should be. I find myself anxiously sitting in parking lots, wasting my time on exhausting anxious feelings. I find myself wanting to cry whenever I notice someone look at me in a store.

I find that when I am alone I must be fully presentable to be anywhere near comfortable in public.

A big step towards overcoming this is the support I have from my friends. Like I said, I called 2 of them before being able to ask someone to fix my tire. lol I’m always able to lean on them when I need it, which I am so grateful for, but what if I’m not able to have them by my side.

Something I’ve found that helps me is slowly going places on my own. It started with one coffee shop that I attend multiple times a week. Once I started going there for homework and to read and write, I soon became a little more comfortable with going there and other places alone.

Another idea I’ve found useful was something that my friend told me just recently. She said that a video she saw explained that when you are overthinking something, to tell yourself “no” out loud. This prevents the problem in your head from becoming something to worry about before it even happens. As an avid over thinker, I found this advice very helpful. It’s important to remember that you are in control. You are able to stop the bad thoughts before they progress.

Anxiety is something I’m really struggling with, and I don’t want to pretend that it’s something that I’ve noticed and quickly got over. Some days I find myself locked under the sheets in my bed because I cannot handle the world (or my head) that day, and that’s okay! It’s so important to find the things that are holding you back and do your best to face them head on, but it’s important to understand what your body needs. When you need a break from reality, then take a break.

You’re awesome. If you’re struggling with anything like this, you got this. Life is so hard, especially right now. We’re all in this together.

These things are important to talk about, and I hope I can continue to bring some light towards tough subjects.

stuck

a cat locked in a house

sleeping all day

in the sunny part of the home

because the bright warmth makes it feel something

when it cannot feel anything

except for confusion

of life’s purpose

when the owner no longer

longs to pet it

since it has grown too old

to be loved and excited for.

The cat cannot simply run away

because at the same time

the owner will search for it

and find a heartbreat

in the loss

of the cat

that no longer

longs to live

in a home

where it is

no longer

feels loved.

scattered

“hey how are you?!”

i don’t really know

i do the same thing everyday

school work homework

i’m content

i’m not happy

i’m not sad

i don’t know.

“i’m good! how are you?!”

my passion is no longer screaming at me

maybe that means i’m not okay

maybe it means i need a break

i’m content

this isn’t the life i thought i would be living

and i feel like it should bother me more

i feel like i should be doing more

but maybe i expect too much

i’m content

i’m happy

i’m sad

i’m content

i’m bored

“how are you?”

i’m bored

i’m tired

i’m content

i’m in between happy and sad

i’m content

“i’m alright, how are you?”

there was once a handle on that door

i depended on it to slid the door open

but one day it broke

and i got used to not having a handle

now, there’s a new handle there

and it feels weird to use it

i went so long without a handle

i no longer need it

“how are you?”

i’m content

at first i was annoyed that there was no handle

but now i’m okay with it not being there

it’s fixed now

“i’m okay, what about you?”

and i forget to use it

i’m content

“how are you?”

do you really care?

i’m worried one day i’ll break down

tell you what you don’t want to hear

i’m going to tell you i’m not okay

and what then?

awkward silence and “wanna talk about it”

no, i don’t

because i’m content

i’m not sad

and honestly i can’t tell you

that i’m not okay

just because i’m not necessarily happy

because i’m not sad

i’m content

“i’m fine, you?”

i’m sorry i’m not listening to how you are

i’m stuck in my brain

i’m banging on the trapped door

but my ears can’t hear it

the banging or your words

only the endless thoughts on their racetrack through my head

i wish they would all crash into the wall

we don’t need a winner

“how are you”

“i’m getting by”

the words are traced with a small awkward chuckle

but it’s not really a joke.

i don’t know

i’m just content.

butterfly

you’re flying, but where are you going? paris, australia, greenland? maybe you’re just going down south for the winter.

but, if I were you, i’d take those little wings and go everywhere i could possibly go.

every continent, country, state, city.

every little girls finger that would look at you like you’re the most beautiful thing she’s ever seen. the greatest creature on this globe in her eyes.

but many already think that without you landing on their finger… you might as well just head down south, not to every continent, country, state, city.

…

but where did you find your color, small one? can you even see how beautiful you are? or maybe do you wish to be more colorful? that you were like another?

have you ever looked at your vibrant blue skin and wished for the burnt orange you see in others?

do your feelings parallel mine?

feelings of wanting to be more beautiful, more wanted?

do you realize that you are wanted?

am i failing to realize that i am wanted?

…

lastly, are you afraid? you seem so fragile.

like the wind could just take you away from your journey.

are you frightened that you could come all this way

from crawling to cocoon to flying

just to be captured in a small net?

are you scared of not being able to continue this journey?

to every continent, country, state, city…

or maybe just down south.

eighteen

the angst of growing older

with the uncertainty of tomorrow

the distress from the yesterday

and the vibrant room

I feel locked in

because the home on the doors reverse

is dull and unfaithful

towards the life inside.

and the sunflowers

that sit just outside the window

bring nostalgia

…

reminiscing on the past youth

of my living soul

that ran through sunflowers

that was not afraid to dream

and now feeling puzzled

from the lack of reassurance

from the beloved ones.

leaving the motivation to be deficient

as i stare at the screen

instead of doing what the soul longs for

…

so i’ll hope for a better tomorrow

and strive to live

towards a youthful and dreaming tomorrow.

…

july 2020

A couple days late, but honestly that’s how journaling felt this month for me. I had lots of ideas and little motivation to go through with them. Nevertheless I still love the outcome of my journal this month

july

july 1– I was featured in my cute friends first magazine. (go check it out! loveumoremagazine.wixsite.com ) I wanted to make sure to include this in my journal.

july 5-This page was really trying to practice my watercolor and simple calligraphy. Not the best but that’s okay hahaha

july 9– I’ve been really enjoying flowers and their meaning to me lately.

july 11-More practicing on different “fonts”

july 14-I like to live my life like it is a movie and I am the main character, (natileejo.design.blog/2020/07/16/falling-in-love-with-living/) but sometimes I find myself only living life like that around others. Living your life like your a main character is when you’re alone too.

july 15– Just a quick Q&A with myself haha It was nice to get to know myself a little more.

july 16-22– I went on the funnest last minute trip to California with some friends and I made sure to journal all about it.

july 24– Happiness will find you if you let it, I promise.

july 28– Writing out my feelings to the best listener (aka my journal)

july 31– I love to spend my free time in cafes, and my favorite thing is to people watch in these cafes. It’s my favorite thing because the most beautiful souls come into cafes. So many different people inspire me from a distance, and they don’t even know.

overview–

falling in love with living

Falling in love with life was honestly how I became a happier version of me. It’s also when I started caring more about my influence on others. There’s a couple different things I tried so I could get to the point of loving life… and I’m going to share them with you.

understand what makes you happy:

It might be kind of simple to realize the broad things that give you joy, like friends or family or anything you’re passionate about… but go deeper. What about your friends make you happy? Why do you feel loved by your family? Go deeper to find the littlest things that make you smile.

Maybe you’ll realize that you are happiest when you are serving the ones you love. Or maybe you’ll realize that you should spend more time with your neices/nephews because when you’re with them you cannot help but smile. Maybe you’ll realize that you should go pick cherries from your grandmas cherry tree, because it reminds you of when you were a kid.

Or maybe it’s realizing in the moment what makes you feel joy. When you see an old couple holding hands in a resturant, and you can’t help but to feel a little grin appear on your face.

For me I realized there was so many of those moments, so I started making a list on my phone. Everytime I found myself feeling any amount of joy, I wrote it in my notes.

Later I transfered these things (as many of them as I could fit) onto a journal page:

It was so uplifting to be able to see this page whenever I felt down, to realize how happy I could be if I just allowed myself to see joy instead of spend lots of time on my sadness and pain.

I advise you to do the same if you feel stuck or not reaching your full potential of happiness. If you want to fall in love with life, if you want to be happier, find those little things. Embrass them. Stretch the feeling of joy from these little things for as long as you can.

romantisizing your life:

Have you ever been watching a coming of age movie and just wished so badly that your life was even half as amazing as the movie. Why isn’t it?

make. your. life. a. movie. I cannot stress this enough.

Dance on top of a parking garage… preferably in the rain;)

Get up so so early for the sunrise.

Go on roadtrips.

Make new friends.

Dress up fancy and go to dinner.

Sneak out to go star gazing.

Spend time with your family.

Write a song.

Kiss people.

Have photoshoots and fashion shows.

Go to a cafe to read a book.

Meet up with childhood friends.

Pretend you’re a tourist in your own town.

Go on canyon drives with music blasting.

Spend too much money on that concert ticket.

Listen to your favorite song on repeat for hours.

Gain a new hobby.

Chase the sunset.

Live life.

content with being alone

Something I have struggled with in the past is being okay with being alone, but I think it’s a really important part of living life to the fullest.

I’m not sure how many of you will be able to relate with this, but for the longest time I felt like being alone was such a waste of time. I found myself only feeling happy when I was around others, but as soon as I was alone I would fall into a really dark place. Any weekend night that I wasn’t out doing something felt so sad.

But why?

This was an often occurance until I asked myself that question. Why did I feel the need to wait for others before I could start living?

So, I started with simple things like trying to read more, trying to stay off my phone as much as possible, or researching things I found interesting. Then I started shopping alone (which felt really out of my comfort zone). Then I started going to cafes alone when I was reading or writing. Then I started doing hikes and going to see the sunset or sunrises alone.

Just a couple days ago I found myself waking up at 4:30 am so I could go watch the sunrise on the lake.

I realized after I spent more time with myself, that I know way more about myself now than I did before. I fell in love with how deep my mind was, and the ambition that grew inside of me.

Spending more time with yourself doesn’t mean you need to push other people away. For me, this just meant spending the extra time I had with myself instead of my phone.

celebrate living life:

One day me and my friends found $10 prom dresses at Savers and decided that we would go to a fancy dinner wearing them.

We got all dressed up and when we got to the restraunt the workers asked what special occasion we were celebrating. We giggled and looked at eachother. I shrugged a little and replied, “life.”

The worker gave us the biggest smile and expressed how cool that is.

Everyone in the restraunt stared. A little girl asked if we were princesses.

Our waitress INSISTED we buy the fanciest drink, and we even overheard her bragging about us to other customers at a different table.

If wearing a prom dress to Olive Garden doesn’t spark your fancy, that’s okay because celebrating life could be as simple as turning your phone off for a couple hours and living in the moment, or keeping it on and making videos of the moments where you feel like you’re truely living.

Something that a lot of people fail to realize, or maybe are scared to accept, is that tommorrow is not promised. Not for me or you. We don’t know when our journey will end, so celebrate today. Celebrate that you woke up this morning, and celebrate

Celebrating life is kind of the mixture of understanding what makes you happy and romantisizing your life, and knowing how to spend your time. You find what make you happy, you do what makes you happy, you do it when it makes you happy, and you celebrate your happiness and the gift we have of living life.

So get out there! I believe in you, I love you. If you feel no other purpose in your life, then I’m telling you now that living this cool life you’re given can be your purpose (it’s definitely mine haha).

june 2020

Here’s to being half way through 2020! haha This journal entry update shows the strong emotions I felt thoughout this whole month. So much happiness, so much sadness, so much anger, so much lonliness. This all adds up to be the big feelings I felt throughout this month.

june

Lake Powell– Had a little vacation at the beginning of the month… and honestly Lake Powell has to be the happiest place on earth. This page includes tons of pictures, and stories from each day.

june 9- I think the best way to describe the vibe I felt throughout this month is a disconnect. I felt adnormal and like I was not apart of society. Like I was looking in on all the craziness of the world, but I myself was not apart of it. This feeling led me to feel how weird existance truely is for me.

june 11- Black. Lives. Matter. Something we have seen all over social media, the news, and even our streets. The craziness of 2020 continues, but this is long overdue and should not be seen as a problem. Instead it is a much needed shift in history. This is something I fully support and wanted to make sure had a well deserved page in my bullet journal.

june 15- That feeling of lonliness I mentioned earlier? Here it is. Even with people surrounding me, I still feel lonely. I guess a big reason for this is because I feel like those around me sometimes don’t understand me.

june 18- Sometimes I have to understand/remember that I am beautiful, just like the things around me. (plus I recently got a type writter, so I felt like it needed a place to be shown in the bullet journal)

june 23- I cannot wait for the freedom that will come with having the life I want: traveling the world on my own (don’t mind me, just manifesting my dreams into the universe).

june 28- Another way of realizing that I am just as beautiful as the things around me. There is beauty in everything if you look hard enough;)

june overview

impacts

One of my friends recently suggested that I write about how my friends have impacted my life. I thought this was a really cool idea, but I wanted to take it one step further. I want to be open about how many different things have impacted and influenced my life, mainly focusing on friends, family, and society.

The reason this idea really stood out to me was because the impacts that people have on your life really shapes you into the person you are. With the friends you make, your family relationships, a strangers smile, etc. They all form us and our personalities into what they really are.

friends

I like to think that I am a really friendly person. This has made it so that I have lots of different friends. Honestly, being able to understand how many people I am friends to and have connections with in different ways is a huge confidence builder to me. Each one has inspired me, most have supported my decisions, and few have walked away.

Let’s start with the ones I have knows for the longest. I have a lot of friends that I have knows since I was 3, or since I was 5, or others I have known since elementry school. These friendships I hold really close to me. These friendships have impacted me in many ways. First, that friendships like this are really sentimental to myself, sometimes they are able to feel more like family when I am struggling with my own family. Second, one of my worst traits is how badly I compare myself to others. Especially people I’ve know for a long time. Since I know how beautiful these people are (inside and out), I ruin my own self imaging because they seem so much better than myself in my mind. Lastly, these friends were able to change my definition of what a soulmate is. A soulmate is someone that you’re supposed to meet on your journey, that loves you even when it knows your flaws. Most importantly, a soulmate is not just one person. These people come and go, but they will always have a place in your heart, even when they’re gone.

The people I have met more recently have changed me more than I will ever even be able to comprehend. The person I was 5 years ago wouldn’t even recognize me if she got into a time machine and came to see me today. She would be confused. This isn’t a bad thing, though! Change to me is actually quite beautiful.

These friends have been able to show me how hurtful judgement can be. These friends have been able to take me outside of my comfort zones. These friends have shown me how to live life to the fullest. These friends have shown me how many different people you can be friends with if you just reach out, be kind, and understand eachother. All I have for these friends I’ve met and helped change me is love and gratitude.

family

Family is probably the thing in our lives that impact us the most. Our hearts are unvolentarily tied to our families. This, to me, means that even when we are treated pourly, even when we are betrayed, even when we leave them or vice-versa, even when we stop caring for our family…. we still care for our family. This is hard to understand because sometimes it is our family that brings us the most hurt.

Disclaimer: Honestly… I don’t really know if any of you would be reading this, but if you’re a member of my family, you might want to stop reading now if you are afraid that what I might say might hurt you. That is never my intention. I love you all.

Some background: Being the youngest, I feel really distant from my family. It doesn’t help that there are pretty big age gaps between me and my siblings. I am 12 years apart from my oldest sibling, and the closest to age I am to one of them is 4 years. They have all been moved out for at least 3 years now. I’m not very close with my dad (he loves fishing and camping and for the majority of his life he was a construction worker. i’ve never been very fond of that type of stuff). I talk to my mom a lot, but I don’t think she understands me very well, or really tries to.

My family can be pretty judgemental a lot of the time. Not liking what I wear, not seeming to like how my body looks or my face without makeup. In this way, they have taken away a lot of my confidence, even at a young age (when I didn’t even know what confidence really was). They don’t seem to like my personality too much either. Ever since I was a kid I’ve been told often by them that I talk to much, my mom always made fun of me for it and stopped listening a lot of the time. Now, I only talk that much around people I’m comfortable around. I don’t talk a lot at family gatherings.

I lack feeling love and support from the ones I have known the longest.

On the other hand, my family is a lot of hard workers. I am impacted daily by them, always trying to work as hard as I can and trying to be as selfless as them (not going to lie, something i have struggled with in the past). And if you know my dad, he has the biggest, happiest smile in the world. I have been asked all my life how my dad is so happy all the time or if he has every been mad. I try to smile more because of his impact on others.

I think that is all I wanted to express with that one.

society/strangers

Society has had a pretty big impact on me too. I feel like I’ve talked a lot about my bad self confidence on this post, but social media is a big part of the issues I have with loving myself. It is so hard to see skiny girls being praised on social media. I am constantly comparing myself to them. Comparing the likes and comments and taking those numbers to heart. Feeling ugly if I post a picture that doesn’t get a certain number of likes or comments. It’s sad really.

But, that is mostly something I struggled with in the past. Now I try my hardest to show others the benefits of loving yourself.

The idea of strangers is interesting to me because they are only strangers until you are familiar with them and knowing a small part of their big story. Strangers bring me happiness. Knowing that they have a life, ambitions and dreams, they have their own struggles and hardships, they have their own beliefs, they have people who have impacted their lives. Until you get to know them, you have know idea any of those things.

Once I sat in a coffee shop, skipping school because I was having a rough day, and a middle aged man walked through the door. He had a huge smile on his face and happily talked to the barista. He asked how she was. He was the kindest and happiest man. He walked out the door, and left an impact on me that he had no idea of. I wrote about it in my journal that night…

“i want to be the random person that brings light to someones day.“

You are always impacting someone, you don’t even know it. It’s your choice whether it be positive or negative. I hope you choose wisely.

may 2020

A little journal entry update! This month was a little harder for me to get my creative juices to flow. Nevertheless I still love what I have to show for my bullet journal this month.

may

may 4- I love traveling and one day I will be able to travel the world.

may 5- My sweet grandma passed on this day. Her favorite thing in the world was butterflies, especially blue ones. One of the last things she said to my was this quote. I put those together to create this sweet page that I hold very close to my heart.

may 7- My mind has been a really scary place for me recently. A lot of sadness and unhappy thoughts roaming through my brain. All I can hope for is that this feeling won’t have to last for long.

may 10- This is just a lot of my writing smashed together to create how abstract my mind is.

may 11- This is honestly just a lot of random stuff, quotes, and drawings. This is a really random page, but it really represents how scattered I was feeling.

may 15- I was texting someone this day when they asked my if I had ever been in love. I was honestly taken back, I never really thought about that too much and so I sat and thought and this was the best explanation that I could come up with.

may 21- Pretty self explanatory I think.

may 24- Oh gosh. Recently I have HATED society. Social media makes me sick. Talking about the news makes me mad. The way people treat each other makes me want to close my eyes and seriously disappear. This day specifically I was so angry towards the messed up society we live in. I hope more people can realize this. I hope that one day it can change.

may 26- This day I was still hating society. This time I decided that maybe if I just try to focus on the good in my life then I could ignore the terror of the world.

may 29- Class of 2020. The seniors that had to go through their last bit of high school as the world worried about global pandemic. These were the experiences that ended my high school experience.

may overview

Keep checking in for more posts from me and I’ll see you soon!