A little journal entry update! This month was a little harder for me to get my creative juices to flow. Nevertheless I still love what I have to show for my bullet journal this month.
may
may 4- I love traveling and one day I will be able to travel the world.
may 5- My sweet grandma passed on this day. Her favorite thing in the world was butterflies, especially blue ones. One of the last things she said to my was this quote. I put those together to create this sweet page that I hold very close to my heart.
may 7- My mind has been a really scary place for me recently. A lot of sadness and unhappy thoughts roaming through my brain. All I can hope for is that this feeling won’t have to last for long.
may 10- This is just a lot of my writing smashed together to create how abstract my mind is.
may 11- This is honestly just a lot of random stuff, quotes, and drawings. This is a really random page, but it really represents how scattered I was feeling.
may 15- I was texting someone this day when they asked my if I had ever been in love. I was honestly taken back, I never really thought about that too much and so I sat and thought and this was the best explanation that I could come up with.
may 21- Pretty self explanatory I think.
may 24- Oh gosh. Recently I have HATED society. Social media makes me sick. Talking about the news makes me mad. The way people treat each other makes me want to close my eyes and seriously disappear. This day specifically I was so angry towards the messed up society we live in. I hope more people can realize this. I hope that one day it can change.
may 26- This day I was still hating society. This time I decided that maybe if I just try to focus on the good in my life then I could ignore the terror of the world.
may 29- Class of 2020. The seniors that had to go through their last bit of high school as the world worried about global pandemic. These were the experiences that ended my high school experience.
may overview
Keep checking in for more posts from me and I’ll see you soon!
Okay here’s the thing: I just hate looking in the mirror, and here’s why.
I have been really bored lately, and I am sure a lot of you are feeling this way cause like #quarantinelife. But sometimes when I get really bored I will just sit in front of the mirror. It almost sounds narcissistic, but I sit in front of the mirror. It starts off good usually. I’ll point out my pretty eyes or my debatabley good butt. I’ll notice what I’m wearing, and that’s usually good because I like my clothes.
I point out all the good until I run out… usually not taking very long… and then I spiral.
I notice my chubby legs. I notice my teeth and my overbite. I notice how much I slouch or how my legs almost look unproportionate to my body. I notice my tummy and my cellulite. I notice my unsymmetrical face.
That’s not even the worst of it, though. The main reason I hate looking in the mirror is because it seems so false. I take pictures and they look nothing like how I look in my mirror. I see videos taken of me and it’s almost unrecognizable. I look so different.
Quite honestly, I really have no idea what I look like. The idea of myself is constantly changing in my mind. To myself, I look different everyday. I look different depending on whether I am happy or not, I look different depending on if I’m feeling confident, I look different depending on if I’m tan or not. I look different depending on what I do with my hair and makeup. It doesn’t make sense to me.
live pictures of self judgement through reflection
I hate looking in the mirror because what I see changes so drastically every. single. day. (sometimes I’m pretty sometimes I’m not. How does that even work??)
I hate looking in the mirror because I don’t necessarily like what I see (but sometimes i do???).
I hate doing it, but it continues. I keep siting in front of it for minutes, or for hours.
I keep doing it because I want to understand exactly what I look like.
And this isn’t a new/rare occurrence. Let’s take in a couple years back to my 2018 Twitter.
She gets it. I’ve always struggled with self love because how I see myself constantly changes. It’s really hard for me to find a love for each part of me. Something I’ve tried working on for a while.
I’m starting to get it, though. I need to love every acne mark.
I need to love my little tummy.
i need to love my smile.
and my body.
I need to love myself.
I’m getting there, and I encourage anyone who struggles with loving themselves to follow me on my journey towards finding everything about ourselves, and still loving it.
The other day I was talking to some close friends, one mentioned something I had told them and one of the others said “Natilee! Do you just tell everyone about your life? I thought I was special!” We all laughed and in this moment I realized…. I am the CEO of oversharing. (lol)
This post (or quite frankly any post I will ever write) is nothing short of that. I’ve decided that I want to share monthly updates of my journal entries. I sound crazy! I know. But I think
pure emotion
is beautiful.
(and honestly I’m pretty proud of what I put in my journal… but anyways;))
Here it is. My pure emotion.
April 2020.
April 1– I have always been so fascinated in astrology and hope to learn more about it and how the universe affects me and the others around me….. I felt like this was the first step towards that.
April 3/April 5- Through March and April I let a boy break my heart. The best way I dealt with this was spilling my emotion onto paper (aka how I deal with most of my emotions). These two days show quotes that helped me get through this and angery poems wrote for him. lol
April 7- Mr. Warren!!!!!!! My wonderful English teacher sent my class this email and it brought me to tears. It meant so much to have a teacher there for me during this time. I felt so loved and understood, which was something I lacked feeling during this time in my life. I could not thank him enough for this.
April 9- Ah! Using a paper and pen to write through my emotions once again. hehe
April 10- Basically the whole story I wrote here was kind of boring so I’ll explain…. We almost got a ticket because we were not supposed to go on this hike BUT we did haha. There were butterflies every where and I climbed across a cold river to get this flower lol#worthit. Little memories like these bring me so much happiness.
April 12- not going to lie here… not my favorite journal entry just because it doesn’t do Jesus justice lol (I never said I was an artist) But! I think Easter Sunday is a really cool holiday. The feeling of peace through out the day is just so lovely. OH! also this idea was 100% taken from THE Ashlie Porter haha love u ash<3
(also, one day I will tell you all my look on religion… maybe soon).
April 14- It’s kind of hard to tell, but under those dark lines are the lyrics to an unpublished song (written by Lewis Ainscough) that I heard on social media. The lyrics hit me so hard I just listened to the song over. and over. and over. AND OVER. ha. I wrote the sad lyrics and crossed them out, representing something towards the idea of leaving being the hurt that I was feeling this night.
April 15- Ah the global pandemic !! Sorry, I know that you can’t go anywhere without hearing about it. But staying inside is driving me INSANE. So I drew houses to represent staying inside.
April 17- I won’t upload a picture of each thought I was having but I’ll put a short explanation of each:
1. the butterfly effect… every little thing I do will effect my future
2. I had my last 2 months of high school without even knowing it.
3. You can go from knowing everything about someone to being complete strangers in such a short amount of time.
4.Everything would be so different if corona never happened. (crazy)
4.I’m not scared of many things, but ones of the things I am scared of is my mind.
April 19- After driving an hour and a half out to what’s called The Jetty Spiral with my friend for her senior pictures, I found myself sitting in the sand, next to the Salt Lake, watching the sunset. Sunsets are my favorite thing ever, and this sunset was nothing short of absolutely beautiful. As my friends took her senior pictures, I sat alone and started realizing the beauty of life. This is what I found………
April 21- Wanting to be okay when you’re not.
April 22- I love the earth and everything it has to give us. This day I drew the view I have outside my bedroom window. It’s simple and I love my dandelions (even if others look at them as just weeds).
April 25- Sometimes finding peace comes from the unexpected.
April 31- April overview
(thanks for the support guys. It means the world)❤
It’s been my dream to write for basically ever and I knew I wanted to start here… Summing up high school. But I was so scared to start… How does one sum up (what seems like) the happiest and saddest 3 years of their life. It also scared me because once I started, that meant that it was coming to an end. Crazy.
I planned on posting this on the day of my graduation, but today the news came out that schools were canceled until the end of the year because of Covid-19. I might not even get a graduation soooo
What better time to post it than when it actually ended? Here we go…….
Going into high school was relieving. Junior high made high school seem like heaven. As scared as I was to go into it, I had no idea the lessons I would learn, the people I would meet, and the emotions I would feel through the new experience to come.
I have some advice to give, though, for those who have high school to look forward to, and for those no longer in high school- solely to remind you of the great experiences and lessons that come with high school.
First… Let the emotion hit you.
It is almost impossible to not become so sad in these fragile, teenage years. It is so hard. The amount of times I found myself crying in bed at night is uncountable. The stress will overload you. Your parents will begin to bug you. You’re beginning to find yourself, and it’s difficult. But, as cheesy as it sounds, the sadness helps you feel real happiness.
You cannot have a rainbow without a little rain;)
While in high school I gained a source of ultimate happiness through watching sunsets and seeing pretty clouds/skies. I flooded my snapchat stories with pictures of all the pretty skies I witnessed (sorry to everyone I annoyed haha). For a while it was the only happiness I could truly feel, and I would soak up every ounce of happiness that I felt from every sunset and sunrise I saw.
But, since sunsets cannot last forever, sadness would creep back. I began soaking up the depression that would engulf me, and turned it into poetry and bad drawings (I am no artist haha). I would feel all my sadness and would dig deep to find the source of it, and then release it onto paper.
Take your emotions and embrace them.
Use them towards something you love.
Cry every tear you need to cry and laugh at every stupid joke you need to laugh at.
All the emotions you feel are good.
Second… FRIENDS!!!!!
I feel that it is so important to make SO many friends in high school. This doesn’t mean you have to lose the old ones. I have grown up with 3 amazing, beautiful, inspiring girls that I have known since I was 3. We had our struggles growing up, but in the end, it only brought us closer.
I will forever cherish dancing in the rain or on parking garages, our almost daily icecream runs, our movie nights, sneaking in and out of my window at 3 am (sorry mom and dad), stepping out of our comfort zones and experiencing new things together, racing to a good place to watch the sunset, the many photo shoots, the failed book clubs, our bad singing to our favorite songs on canyon drives, the spiritual moments, the pictures taken in every mirror we passed, random drives to park city, dying my hair every couple months, thrifting all the time, the deeps talks, our daily hugs, the facetime calls and endless snapchats, all the hot tub nights, the “love you more”’s, the laughing, the crying, and everything in between.
Without them, I have no idea how I would have made it through high school or where I would be. My rocks.
But, making new friends is so important, too!!!!!!!!
I lost many friends coming into high school, but finding new friends is so much fun.
A lovely group of the cutest girls that I befriended brought me happiness DAILY! (I hope you know who you are;)) While passing any one of these girls in the hall at school would always come with a hello and a compliment. It would also always bring me instant happiness for the rest of the day.
AH! and going on mini vacations/adventures was one of my favorite things to do in highschool! I met a group of friends sophomore year and ended up going to Bear Lake and Flaming Gorge with them my senior year, and had THE. BEST. TIME.
Making memories with tons of different people is the way to go.
Oh! Also, the summer before senior year I started taking film pictures. After developing them, the memories flood back and the pictures are so pure and in the moment. The best decision I made was to buy that first camera. TRY NEW THINGS!!
Remember MEMORIES ARE MORE IMPORTANT THAN GRADES!!!!!!!!!!!!
Lastly… Love everyone and love life.
Something I came to realize my senior year is that everyone is going through something.
No matter how close you are to a person you have no idea what is happening in their head.
You have no idea their daily struggles.
And they have no idea what you’re going through.
Going into high school I was a really judgemental person (and as hard as it is to admit, I was pretty mean on the lowkey). This breaks my heart because it is never our place to judge. And this is why it is so important to LOVE EVERYONE. Whether that is a simple comment on their Instagram post, a hi in the hallway, complimenting their outfit, finding them in a crowded hall when they seem lost. Once I started to realize this, it was so cool to see how my perception of these people changed.
If they have a smile on their face, then a smile somehow makes its way onto yours. You begin to see the achievements they make, and it makes you happy for them. You begin to stop comparing yourself to others, because instead you are happy for them.
The moment you stop worrying about why you aren’t good enough, why you aren’t as happy as the ones around you, why you don’t do as good in school, why you’re not as tan, etc. you’ll be so much happier. And it’s hard to get to, but it’s a weight lifted.
In my opinion, it’s the only way people should go through high school.
Live life. Love high school. It may seem like the worst time of your life, but you’ll be sad when it’s over. My senior year was cut 2 months short. Like most of the class of 2020, I don’t get my senior prom, I don’t get to walk at my graduation, I don’t get senior week or the last 2 months of going to school with all my friends. I don’t get to go to the baseball and lacrosse and soccer games. I don’t get to have yearbook signing. It was taken from us. That being said, to everyone still in high school, PLEASE LIVE IT UP. You never know when it will end.
So…
Go to all the games and go all out.
Go to the dances.
Hang out with your friends, even when you have homework.
I’ve always loved writing. When I was little I would write little short stories and “movies scenes” that my mom would pretend to love. I wrote more and more short stories in junior high, and then began journaling in high school. I absolutely fell in love with it and realized that was what I wanted to do in the future. Publish my writing, how I’m feeling, and how I live my life for others to read. It’s kind of funny how scared I am for people to read my writing, but I want to be vulnerable to the people wanting to read this.
I also have a big passion for film photography. About a year ago I picked up a disposable camera for the first time and fell in love. I cannot wait to post the beautiful moments and places I’ve captured on here through these pictures.
haha anyways……..
Who am I?
Ah, I’m Natilee Shock. Born and raised in Ogden, Utah. I love Utah and how beautiful it is, but I love traveling and hope to get out of here soon. I like sunsets and film photography and uhhh….
I think the hardest question you can ask someone is who they are, so instead of answering it myself I thought I would ask a ton of my friends. Friends from my past, people I just met, guys from old relationships, people from school. All of them. Basically just asked them all to give me a tbh haha. Their responses? Oh, here you go:
“Sunsets, coffee, little cafes, vintage clothes. You are incredibly sweet in a way most people aren’t. Ur smile and laugh light up rooms and makes everyone want to smile with you. You wouldn’t be you without your amazing style and gentle manner.” -mr
“Thriving and sunsets makes me think of you, and your giving and caring personality makes you who you are!” -mj
“You’re such a kind hearted and go for what you want person who is always willing to make sure others are doing well and I love it” -he
“When I think of you I think of how positive and happy you are and how far you have come. You have a way of making people feel special and loved.” -br
“Your eyeballs, the color green, juggling, everything” (hahaha my eyeballs) -gt
“You’re literally the nicest person on earth and you’ve made me feel so much more confident and shown me that you can love yourself despite flaws.” -bl
“I think of sexy daddy” (LOL) -as
“Nat you’re just plain awesome!! You are just you and that’s what’s way cool about you!! You’re way fun to hang with too! You are an awesome friend and I would trust you to do anything and I would tell you anything!” -ac
“When I think of you I think of good vibes and summer cus you have super positive attitude and a really good personality that makes me happy and makes it feel like the whole room just got a little brighter. Just an overall happy nice person.” -mw
“You’re incredibly sweet, GORGEOUS, and super fun to be around!! I think what makes you who you are is how much fun you are. When I was having a bad day at practice I just remember feeling a lot better after I talked and laughed with you. When I think of you I think of pretty sunsets and how much fun I had playing volleyball with you!” -as
“You are the sweetest and funniest person!!! I think of you whenever I pass _________ because of the time night we roasted on ___ thanks for always being so kind and so fun to talk to!” (hahahahahaha) -km
“Creative and funny” (lol nice) -jh
“I think of how sweet you are and your cute laugh!! Plus you have amazing style!!” -ek
“You are the absolute sweetest girl ever and your style shows who you are and I love it<3” -at
“Hmmm I still don’t know you that well, but I think you are a good person who really cares to help others. And also I think of walking on pine view now.” (good times haha) -ch
“When I think of natilee jo shock I think of adventures.” -bp
“When I think of you I think of many late nights at work where sometimes we were silly and sometimes we were serious and would just talk about life. I also think of how you were the person who made me laugh the most and the hardest at work and I am really thankful to have met you and become friends with you. -tk
“You’re unapologetic in the best way, you just allow yourself to be happy and do things that make you happy regardless of what others think” -el
“What makes natilee nat???? Always being SO willing to do ANYTHING. ALWAYS up for an adventure. HER STYLE!!!! Being able to thrift like a QUEEN. Always having the best conversations with me. FULL SENDING. Being the coolest ever. Natilee has the best attitude and is always so sweet… her personality is amazing and she’s sooo funny hahaha. Always making me spend tooo much money but I love her” (okay awe) -aw
“I admire your vivacity for life and how much fun you can make any situation.” -ag
“You have fun energy- sunsets and photo shoots” -ad
“NATILEE!!! You are the cutest EVER!! You are so so so so so fun to goof around with and you are the biggest example of living life to the fullest. I LOVE YOU” (*insert puppy eye emoji here*)-ao
“Your sunset pictures all day everyday lol” -ap
“I think of your confidence and learning to love yourself, along with your funny energetic personality !!! also, I think of coffee and sunsets when I think of you.” -kk
“You’re a natural beauty and you are so genuine and kind and that’s what I love most about you!!” -st
“Hmmm well when I think of you I think of how happy you are and your smile. You bring a smile to my face because of how sincere you are. I don’t know what makes you, you but I would say how you care so much for yourself and others and how understanding you are. I don’t know how to word it but you are just so understanding with yourself and others and it shows.” (ok i’m not crying youre crying) -ml
“How funny you are” (lol) -ak
“Your optimism and spirit” -mn
“When I think of you I definitely always remember your awesome laugh and your sense of humor:) I also think you’re an amazing listener and you were always there for me when I needed you and helped me out:)” -an
“A big ol smile, and always cheery personality” -mp
“When I think of you I definitely think style and fun” -le
“Sunsets obviously but also you’re super sendy and always down to do adventures with me which is cool” -ph
“Oh I got a lot!!!! What makes you who you are?? Your fun personality, your ability to not care what people think of you, your love for sunsets and thrift stores(; , your humor hahahaha, you have the kindest heart and think of everyone<3 everytime I see a good looking sunset I think about you and how much I miss you!!! You have so so so many good things that make you who you are… SO DON’T CHANGE!!” (this one made me cry if i’m being honest) -cm
“sunsets” (hahahaha) -kb
“You’re literally so cute and sweet and are the best at thrifting haha” -rr
“sunsets duh” -jh
“Your personality. You are always happy and joyful and make people around you happy, you have a good vibe that is positive and something this world needs more of.” -bw
“You’re so cute and always so happy. like you’re genuinely so much fun to be around… you honestly can always make me laugh, you’re the best!:)” -mn
“When I think of you I think of random dance parties and always being hype!!” (i do like a good dance party lol) -js
“Nat you cool as hell. You’re down for anything, super spontaneous, and have a happy personality. You are also super kind to your friends.” -pw
I guess if you ever need to feel loved ask a bunch of people what they think of you. hahaha just kidding, but thank you everyonewho responded lol
I guess that’s me! (I think I might like sunsets, coffee, and thrifting? idk tho haha) Welcome to my blog… my dream.(:
natileejo.design.blog 